LDRs: Adam’s Take

I sent my LDR post to Adam and asked for his thoughts. Thank you, sir! This definitely gives some more background on why we’re long distance and how we make it work (and why it’s worth it to us!).

Elena asked me to write a bit of my views on long distance relationships and how I have dealt with it as a bit of “the other side” of hers.  Though honestly a lot of my views are pretty much in line with hers, which is one of the major reasons I think we have been pulling through so well.  Elena already wrote that disclaimer about every relationship being different and she’s 100% correct.  The truth is I was in one before Elena and I and it was so utterly, insanely different that it blows my mind.  There was no trust, there was no communication, and honestly that basically adds up to there being no real relationship.

The one thing that I found made it easier to get through was to know what you are doing was right.  If you are questioning why you two are in different areas it will make it ten fold harder for you.  I knew that I had to take the job I have now.  It was an amazing opportunity and will set the foot right in my career to go far and do the things that not only I want but that Elena and I can enjoy.  Elena had to do grad school for her profession.  There was no question about it, and now she will be more fulfilled doing everything she wants in her career as well.

You need to look for an end in sight.  There may not be a solid date, or a solid way, but you know that after this stint away is over that you want to be back in the same place.  This may sound silly or stupid but it is unbelievable how many times I have heard about how people want to be together but are unwilling to say that after such and such time we will do this together.  With our situation, there is that open ended aspect of it: I have to travel for 2 years from plant to plant and then find somewhere to take a permanent position for at least a year.  Where all this will actually end up being is extremely hard to figure out.  However, I have been doggedly working towards staying in New Berlin, WI (the closest plant to Chicagoland) and trying to see about a third rotation which hopefully leads to a permanent position there.  We also talk about the future, about living in Europe together within the next few years while we are young and without major financial and family responsibilities.  We are working towards each other, despite how moving around makes it seem the opposite.

Also, Elena talked about the one thing I do think is most vital.  You have a life outside of your LDR.  You both need to realize, acknowledge, and provide a nurturing environment for that other person’s.   If you spend your time brooding and being upset that you’re not together, I feel you are hurting your chances a hell of a lot more than helping them.  I feel like there are steps, kind of like in grieving, and you need to work towards acceptance.  Accepting that this is the situation you are in.  It sucks, but it is what you have and make the absolute most of it.  Everyone slips, falters, and falls back into the slight depression for a bit where you can do nothing but miss that person and feel that you can’t get on without them.  I think it is about missing them but not being in pain, which could mean distracting yourself with workouts, hobbies, or friends.

In my opinion the most healthy relationships, the ones that really make it, that define love are the ones where you are a whole, complete person who can get along on your own but you just do not want that.  It is hard to not define it as a need because there are times where you need that person there, and you need to see them, but overall it is not a need to fill a void in your life as much as it is an overwhelming desire to expand your life with this person.  To open yourself up to new things, not patch holes.  That is something you are able to do on your own.  The patching of holes, the self-esteem boosts, the shoulders to cry on, they are all unbelievably amazing benefits to having that person there with you and they make those times in your life so much easier to deal with, allowing you to heal quicker.

I think the best piece of advice to give is that you cannot strive for perfection in an long distance relationship because they are inherently imperfect.  All you can do is to try and make the best of the situation that you are in.

And as a closing statement: Skype + Webcams are awesome.  Agreed Elena.  

~ by Elena Marie on March 24, 2010.