A Big Day.

Well, today I was supposed to get married. And, a little cruelly, the weather is cooperating perfectly. Just a light dusting of snow; perfect for a ceremony in a lodge in the woods.

I was supposed to don the dress. Tie the knot. Become a wife. Be Mrs. Arcus. Promise to cherish and honor our partnership forever. See all my favorite people and dance the night away. Gorge on pumpkin spice latte cupcakes. Feel giddy over a Hawaiian honeymoon, & be over-the-moon that the life I’d been happily building for years had achieved “forever” status.

I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I’ll admit that I seem to be in the “anger” phase of grieving this relationship right now (not a place I’m too comfortable in, but, yep, plenty of anger). But when it comes down to it I’m mostly overwhelmed by sadness and utter confusion. I feel like we had something very special/rare and I don’t know what happened to it or how we got to this point.  This point where I’m living in a different state, single, and have no idea what do to with an engagement ring I can’t wear. This point where I lost my best friend, and I don’t really understand why.

I have so much running through my head, but of course this isn’t the place for most of it. I’m sure talk of this called off wedding and, well, the past 4.5 years of my life will still come up on this blog from time to time. But I need to start shifting my vernacular. There is no more “we”, “us”, “our”…and there’s no more impending wedding-date-that-won’t-be. There’s just moving forward. I’ll do my best.

After last night’s wine & girl talk-filled evening with some of my favorite ladies (hilarious makeshift photobooth pictures are forthcoming!), I’m off to lunch with friends Katie & Tony (I get to meet their dog!). I may allow myself some wallowing tonight. Seems only right.

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~ by Elena Marie on December 17, 2011.

 
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